Apparently the economy blew up over the weekend. Again.

Like those 1960s Christmas lights that fire officials are always urging our grandparents to throw away, the stupid thing caught fire while no one was looking and now the holiday season is ruined.

And by "holiday season," what I really mean is, "every stock market in the world."

While I find it strangely comforting to know that multinational investment banks are being run by people who are as financially inept as myself, I can't help feeling just a little unnerved by the whole thing.

I'm most directly unnerved by the fact that the dollar is becoming only slightly less useless than my appendix. I depend on U.S.-based student loans to attend university here in Britain, which means I am a slave to the exchange rate. Presently, I think the thousands of dollars I have borrowed will secure me a few bars of soap at The Body Shop. I'm now trying to figure out what exactly I can barter in exchange for an education.

I wonder how many of Cardiff University's staff would be keen on a lovely new hand-knit scarf. Assuming they purchase the yarn. Perhaps I should switch my degree to one more apt to a negative economy, like cattle rustling or foraging.

It's at times like this that I can't help but feel frustrated that I didn't pay more attention when my family members tried to teach me how to fish. I also shouldn't have quit Boy Scouts. A few survival skills would be handy right about now.

And, of course, it's not like I can go back to the United States. Last week, British airline XL Airways collapsed, leaving some 90,000 people stranded in various locations around the world. We have been told that this may not be the first airline to go under. At the same time, a massive fire shut down the Channel Tunnel, which is the train link between Britain and mainland Europe. In short, there is no escaping this island.

Meanwhile bad economic news in the United States almost always results in bad news for the rest of the world, so I'd have to guess that we in Britain are doomed. Indeed, on Monday that little chart showing the day's progress of the FTSE (sort of like the British Dow Jones) looked like a double black diamond ski run.

We've got no money, we can't escape. It's all set to go horribly "Mad Max" at any moment. Pretty soon we'll start turning on each other like cable news hosts. I'm eyeing neighborhood cats as potential sources of food and furry winter socks.

But at least at that point I will no longer have to worry about the exchange rate. British pound coins will be useful only as ammunition in defending myself against the hordes eager to steal my cat socks. I will make a pair of trousers out of £50 notes.

If I'm lucky, the student loan companies will also go bust, as well. If so, roll on economic doom. I welcome you with open arms!

The really frustrating part of all this for Britons and other outside-the-U.S. residents stems from the fact that there's not a great deal that they can do about it. The world is beholden to the American economy. Whatever happens in the United States, the rest of the world is forced to pay attention to.

Whereas it can feel, sometimes, that Americans are not paying attention to these things. From an overseas vantage point it often appears that Americans are paying more attention pigs and lipstick rather than the omnipotent financial overlords dragging us all to our demise.

I'm sure that's not the case, though. Right? Please say I'm right.

In the meantime, I'm going to get to work fashioning a shelter out of twigs.

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